


The Idiots' Guide to Child Rearing

by godtiermeme



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, deaf!Dave, mute!dave
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Dave are a married couple and a popular radio duo. They've amassed a decent fortune from their lifestyle and, with the readily available money, they've begun the journey of parenthood. Too bad they have no clue what the hell they're actually doing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Idiots' Guide to Child Rearing

**Author's Note:**

> What lovely lovely fluff this is. (Comments and feedback welcome.)

**As soon as you graduated high school, you knew what you wanted to do. You wanted to be two things. You wanted to be a teacher of ASL and, more importantly, you wanted to be the husband of your childhood friend, Dave Strider. Of these two goals, you’ve managed to accomplish one—the most important one.**

**For, upon graduating, at the age of eighteen, you (unofficially) married your best friend. College applications came next, and both of you applied to the same places. You managed to find one that let you both in.**

**During your time at the aforementioned college, you realised that your former dream was a bit too lofty. (You also realised that you’re not quite the best teacher.) Thus, you changed your mind. At about the same time that you were changing your mind, Dave was starting to DJ for both public events and local radio stations. He invited you to join him and, somehow, you ended up answering call-in questions and comments. You fell in love with it. Soon afterwards, you and him began offering a package deal—you’d be the voice, he’d be the music. Slowly but surely, you built a reputation.**

**When business plateaued at an insubstantially low income, however, both you and him realised that you’d need to grab the public’s attention somehow. After some discussion, you and him began to hesitantly use his deafness as a marketing ploy. Both of you hated doing, and you still do. However, it brought in money and (kind of) spread the word, so there’s not really much you can do about it. Even if you pulled the marketing campaign now, it’d be useless. It’s what you’re known for.**

**And, so it is that, at the age of twenty-two, you’d made enough money to live in comfort. By no means were you and Dave rich; conversely, by no means were you poor, either. You both lived a relatively calm life. With these things considered, it was at this point that you and Dave decided to adopt a child. Both of you had always wanted to raise a kid, after all. And, according to the logic of both you and Dave, what better time to do so than when the going was good?**

**At twenty-five, Dave’s stubborn insistence paid off. You and him gained custody of a doorstep baby by the name of Dirk. Five days ago, you brought him home. Now, you just need to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do…**

For once in far too long, Dirk is asleep. Dave’s managed to soothe him into a slumber more fragile than ancient illuminated manuscripts. Finally… You can get some…

Why is someone poking you?

You crack open your eyes, only to find your enthusiastic blonde husband standing above you. He’s bobbing up and down like a kid waiting for you to notice him. No… Wait. He _is_ a kid waiting for you to notice him.

You let forth a sigh and raise your brows. “What is it, Dave?” Despite the fact that you know he won’t hear it, you have a habit of talking around him. As you talk, though, you also sign. It’s a tendency that, after years of careful maintenance, he is finally cultivating from you.

“Look what I made.” Having signed his response, he smirks, shoves his hand into his pocket, pulling out a small pair of pointy anime glasses. “I couldn’t find any small enough, so I made them myself.”

In reply, you rub your eyes. It’s an action that keeps you awake, and doubles as a way to make sure you’re not seeing things. “Dave… You’re not putting those things on my kid.”

“ _Our_ kid,” he corrects, emphasising the movements of his signing to make his point. “And he will be wearing these. They’re fucking awesome. And, look! I even sanded off the edges. So they’re not too dangerous.”

“Great. Now, instead of gouging out his eye, our son can just scrape the hell out of his cornea,” you respond with a roll of your eyes.

At this point, he does it. He sticks his lower lip out, brushes a few wayward blonde strands from his face, and leans in a bit closer. To complete the image of the pouting child he’s being, he even allows tears to form a clear, glassy film over his eyes. “Please?”

“No, Dave.”

“Please?” He leans in a little closer.

“No.”

He leans closer, presses his lips to yours for a moment, and withdraws rapidly. “Please?”

“Fine! If it gets you to shut the fuck up!” you reluctantly respond.

A victorious smirk spreads across his face. “You’re the biggest sucker in the world, John. I could probably kill you for insurance money and you’d feel bad when I pouted.”

You chuckle and shove him away. “Shut up, David.”

“Fine then, Jonathan,” he counters with a snort of laughter as he drops down, settling his denim-clad posterior in the open sofa space beside you. He gently raises your chin to the proper position and, once again, puts his lips to yours.

Minutes after this, you wind up engaged in a childish skirmish with him. Both of you merrily cackle like five year-old children as both you and him wind up rolling off the sofa and onto the plush, carpeted floor. Eventually, he winds up pinning you to the ground by your shoulders. He lets his grip go long enough to say “Got you”, before celebrating his triumph by making out with you…


End file.
